Traditional marriage rites, explained

If you are dating someone from a different African background, or you grew up abroad and are meeting your own traditions properly for the first time, marriage customs can feel like a subject everybody else understands. They mostly do not. Practice varies between countries, between ethnic groups within a country, between Christian and Muslim families, and between one family and the next.

So treat everything below as a set of questions to ask rather than a description of what will happen to you.

The introduction

In many cultures the first formal step is an introduction, where the man's family visits the woman's family to state their intentions. It goes by different names and takes different forms, and in some places it is small and private while in others it is a significant event with a guest list.

What it usually means in practice: the relationship stops being a private matter between two people and becomes something the families acknowledge. For couples who have been together abroad for years, this can be a bigger shift than they expect.

Bride price, dowry and what they are not

Bride price, sometimes called bride wealth or lobola, is a transfer from the groom's family to the bride's family. Dowry, in the strict sense, is the opposite direction, and the two words are often used loosely and interchangeably in everyday speech, which causes confusion.

The meaning attached to it varies widely. In many families it is understood as a gesture of respect and a formal joining of two families rather than a purchase, and it is often symbolic or partly returned. In others the amounts are substantial and negotiated seriously. Some families have moved away from it entirely. Some couples find it meaningful. Some find it difficult. All of those positions exist within African communities and none of them is the single correct one.

• Is it expected in this family at all?
• Who negotiates it, and is the couple involved or not?
• Is it money, goods, livestock, symbolic items, or a combination?
• Is there a customary list, and can you see it in advance?
• What happens if the two families have very different expectations?

Traditional and civil ceremonies are usually separate

In many countries a couple ends up with more than one wedding: a traditional or customary ceremony, a religious one, and a civil or legal registration. These can happen months apart, cost separately, and carry different weight for different family members.

Legally, what counts varies by country. Customary marriage is legally recognised in some jurisdictions and not in others, and recognition may depend on registration. If you live abroad, whether your home country's customary marriage is recognised where you live is a separate question again. This is worth checking properly rather than assuming, especially before anyone makes decisions about visas or property.

When the two families are from different cultures

This is increasingly common and it is very manageable, as long as somebody says out loud that the expectations differ. The most common failure is each family assuming their own customs are the default and discovering the mismatch late, in front of guests.

Get both sets of expectations written down early. Decide together which elements matter most to each side, and be prepared to do a version of both rather than choosing one. More on this in dating across African cultures.

Talking about it as a couple

Before the families are involved, the two of you should agree on what you actually want, what you can afford, and where your limits are. Going into a family negotiation without having agreed that privately is how couples end up being pulled apart by relatives who each think they are helping.