Writing a dating profile that attracts serious intent

Most profile advice is optimised for reach — be attractive to as many people as possible. If you are looking for a relationship, that advice is actively working against you. Your profile's job is not to appeal to everyone. It is to be unmistakable to a small number of people and easy to skip for everyone else.

Say what you are looking for, without hedging

People soften this because it feels like it narrows the field. It does. That is the function. "See where it goes" is a phrase that attracts everyone and commits to nothing, and it puts the work of finding out onto the other person.

Write the true sentence instead. That you want a serious relationship. That you would want children, or would not. That you are open to relocating, or are not. Someone who wants the same thing will recognise it immediately, which is the entire point.

Specific beats impressive

"I love travel, food and laughing" describes nearly everyone. Specifics give someone a way in — a question to ask, a thing to recognise in themselves.

• Instead of "I love food": the dish you make when you want to show off, and who taught you.
• Instead of "family is important to me": the thing your family does that you intend to carry on.
• Instead of "I'm ambitious": what you are actually building, in one plain sentence.
• Instead of "looking for my best friend": what a good ordinary Tuesday together would look like.

Photos: be recognisable

The bar is not professional photography. It is that someone meeting you would recognise you instantly, and that they can see what your life looks like.

• One clear photo of your face, well lit, not wearing sunglasses.
• One full-length photo. Leaving this out is noticed, and it reads as concealment.
• One photo doing something you actually do, rather than a one-off holiday you have not repeated in five years.
• Avoid group photos as your first image, heavy filters, and photos more than a couple of years old. Anything that requires explanation on a first date is costing you more than it gains.

Write for one person

A profile written for an audience becomes a performance — a list of qualities, arranged for approval. A profile written as if to one specific person you have not met yet sounds like a human being, and it is far easier to reply to.

A practical test: read it aloud. If you would not say it to someone across a table, rewrite it until you would.

If you are dating across borders, be concrete

Where you are, where you could realistically see yourself, and how you feel about distance in the meantime. This is the information cross-border daters most need and most often have to extract over several days of conversation. Putting it in the profile is a kindness, and it saves both of you weeks.