Questions to ask before you get serious with someone

Long relationships rarely end because two people stopped liking each other. They end because they wanted different lives and found out after building one together. Almost all of that is preventable with conversations that take an evening each.

Do not run through this as a list on a date. Spread them out. But do not let a year pass without covering all six.

1. Where you want to live

The most common and least discussed dealbreaker, particularly for anyone in the diaspora. Not where you live now. Where you want to be in five and ten years, and how strongly.

• Do you intend to move back home at some point? Is that a wish or a plan?
• Could you be happy long term in their country, honestly?
• If one of you had to move, who would it be, and what would they be giving up?

2. Children

Whether, roughly when, and how many. Also what happens if it turns out to be difficult, because that is a real possibility that couples almost never discuss in advance and it puts serious strain on people who have not.

If either of you already has children, add the practical questions: what involvement looks like, how a new partner fits in, and what the other parent's role is.

3. Money

The subject most couples avoid until it is a fight. You do not need to exchange bank statements. You do need to understand each other's habits and obligations.

• Do you save, or spend, and does that difference bother either of you?
• Is there debt, and is there a plan for it?
• What do you send to family, how regularly, and is that fixed?
• Would you combine finances, keep them separate, or do something in between?

4. Family and boundaries

How involved will each family be? Who gets consulted on decisions? What happens at holidays? And, most importantly, is your partner able to say no to their own family when it matters?

That last one predicts a great deal. Someone who cannot ever disagree with their parents will not be able to protect a shared decision later. There is more on the specifics in dating an African partner.

5. Faith

Not whether you both believe, but what it means in daily life, at a wedding, and for children. Agreeing to respect each other is not an answer to any of those. Faith and dating sets out the specific decisions.

6. How you each handle conflict

You cannot ask this. You have to observe it, which means you need to have had at least one real disagreement before you decide someone is right for you.

• Do they go silent, get loud, or stay in the conversation?
• Can they apologise plainly, without conditions attached?
• Do they bring up old grievances, or stay on the current subject?
• After a disagreement, do things return to normal, or is there a cost to pay for days?

A couple who can disagree well can survive most things. A couple who cannot will be defeated by ordinary life, no matter how strong the attraction is.